The finance part she is comfortable with, but not with going to the parents house every weekend. Your husband sees you every day of the week It is possible that from your husbands That scenario is even more likely if your husband is apeople pleaserand doesnt know how to say no. January 20, 2012, 11:45 am. Maybe explain to him that you would like to keep some variety in how you spend your free time with each other. I can see his point about just sitting around the house so get out and be a tourist in your hometown. And if they live together. Youve got to convince him that he can enjoy June 18, 2014, 12:30 pm. As was said before, while you are dating you should be attempting to find out as much info as possible. January 20, 2012, 10:52 am. I give up. Sometimes Bassanio feels kind of bad when his parents do this, but I just point out that they dont mean that hes the worst son if he doesnt do something and that its ok to say no. January 20, 2012, 9:16 am, LW I would sit down and talk with your BF. Have you tried just not going? For the first two months we dated, hed go and see his mom for an hour or two during the weekend, because I lived in the same town as she did and as my parents did. June 18, 2014, 12:55 pm. lets_be_honest She says but I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month. So, we dont have a failure to communicate, we have a failure to reach agreement on how they should spend their weekends. IN both matters (money and going to his parents), please dont be afraid to make your voice heard!! He is not making her a priority & placing a lot of his focus & free time with his parents. Its my little refuge, and sometimes I like coming home and just hanging out on the couch with the BF reading or watching movies. I am close with my family and, if they lived in the same city as me, yeah, Id probably want to see them at least once a week. lemongrass You and your husband wanting to live in different placesis probably a usual cause of arguments in your marriage. Because we spent that time communicating (and other stuff, but you dont need to know) it worked perfectly for us. Friends of her own? You will know at that point whether or not it was a mistake to move in with him. Maybe he feels that since he sees the gf all week now, he should spend weekends with his family. So in defense of people like me, I think sometimes people think they are just showing you they love you and want to spend time with you but dont realize they are guilting you. January 4, 2021, 3:15 am. But if that doesnt work, I think you need to accept it or move on unfortunately. January 20, 2012, 11:43 am. And if we dont decide to go there a weekend hes home, his mom will ALWAYS think of an excuse to drop by for hours at a time. The only way that this would be acceptable is if his wife is fine with this arrangement and she enjoys having quiet time to herself. Drews father is in his 90s (!!) So much fun and its free! In perhaps nicer phrasingyes. WebWe spend far more time during the year with husbands family. We just got thru the holidays. Some people are just like that and you have to try not to take it personally. I used to joke with Bassanio that Jews and Catholics had a lot in common: the parental guilt. A lot of Saturdays, we saw the other set. Most likely the LWs boyfriend will be fine with her going to the city instead most weekends, she just has to voice what she wants. if it works for you, thats all that matters. January 4, 2021, 3:35 am. I really do not think that there is any set amount of time a couple should be dating or know each other before moving to the next stage of the relationship. You could always lighten the mood a little by telling them you need time together to practice making their future grandkids. I think like Wendy said its perfectly fine to let him know you would prefer to have time in your own house on the weekends. Bring it up and communicate your feelings and desires. Like I said in my comment above, I was determined to pay 50% of everything when I moved in with my now husband, but it just wasnt feasible, so we had to work out what worked for us, and I think it wouldve been better and saved me a lot of worry if we had done so beforehand. Next time, instead of going on trips together, try eating out or going for a picnic. He knows this because its important to me so I talk about it. And obviously, Im also someone who is really close with family. Now, I usually call my mom once a week and my MIL occasionally. Dont necessarily agree with this.. For example, if he goes there during the day, has lunch with them, and then comes home and spends time with her, I dont think that is such a bad arrangement. They just enjoy your and your boyfriends company and would be happy, it sounds like, if you never left. Firstly, it will be different for every couple, and secondly, some things you will never find out no matter how long you are dating until you move in together and go to sleep and wake up with each other every single day. I love girls night out. You dont have a problem with that, but does it have to be every weekend? Pay careful attention to his reaction. If he wants to visit his parents for dinner once or twice a week, his wife should be accompanying him. Did you guys actually read this letter? . One thing is for sure, he comes home to you at the end of the weekend, even more tired than he left. Do people really just walk around with their heads in the sand all day? ), you also like using your weekends to relax and enjoy the city in a way you dont get a chance to do during the busy week. On another level, your husband wants to strike out on his own, by himself, on a grand adventure. At best, you will an appendage to his family. I think the problem here is that if the boyfriend doesnt go to his moms house, shell drop by and visit them. My husband just kind of talks to his whenever and really only sees them on holidays. I could go off on the USs unhealthy obsession with pouring all energy and time into romantic relationships and nuclear family only, and how its bizarre how much we focus on what a loser and mamas boy you are if you dont move out at 18 and hate your parents. June 18, 2014, 12:47 pm. But he also has to understand thathis number one family is you when he gets married. No one said they cant, just that they like to see each other on weekends. You can accept that this is how it is for as long as he works a job that has him away from home for months on end and if you ever have kids, it will be worse because his parents will have grandkids theyll want to spend time with in addition to their son or you can decide this is a deal-breaker and move on. So dont wait around for that. January 20, 2012, 9:13 am. Lets see what to do with all our weekends, vacation and generally free time what to do with all our money oh, the abortion, should I get knocked up by the way, would you want or not want to know if I was cheating on you.. Oh, what else.. who is going to do the dishes, and who is taking out the garbage.. Am I forgetting anything? To me that is a bit thorough and ridiculous. wendyblueeyes It can still have a lot of randomness to it, but be bookended by specific activities. 14 years ago. January 20, 2012, 11:26 am. So make him choose. I support this and even though it isnt practical for me to take the baby all the way to the other side of the city every time he goes (an hour and a half subway commute round-trip), I have no problem spending an evening by myself with Jackson so Drew can get in some time with his dad. January 20, 2012, 10:58 am. So, personally, I dont find it weird and I wouldnt frame it that way to your boyfriend, LW. 11. The money thing should definitely be discussed too I mean when youre looking for apartments how does this not come up? In being present in any matters their adult children bring to them, they reassert their power and superior knowledge. GatorGirl Its different having lunch with your parents or spending a couple hours with them every weekend. Who does that? No matter how long they could be dating, if he preferred spending his weekends with her because that was their only opportunity, she would not have known that once they live together he will choose to spend that time with his family because now he sees her every day at home. January 20, 2012, 9:27 am. LW, what everyone else said. Wendy has said she works 2 weeks or so in the future, which means she likely got this letter about two weeks ago which was right after a bunch of holidays! Perhaps if something was planned, hed break his routine, and realize that it is fun sometimes to stay in the city. muchachaenlaventana . And there are always occasions forfamily gatherings. Pronouns made that a little less clear. His parents tell him they gave him everything, and he neglected them when he married. right! January 20, 2012, 10:09 am. So, she will either have to accept that this is how they are, or leave. Sorry for the cynicism this morningits Friday and I woke up with a head cold. But Im a very direct, honest, forthright, loud kind of person. June 18, 2014, 11:51 am. Besides, the whole point of living in NYC is so you dont have to rely on Metro North to get int to the city on the weekends amirite!? Everyone knows how to throw a frisbee, right? I think the LW is saying shes being guilted, by the parents and the boyfriend. muchachaenlaventana January 20, 2012, 9:36 am. January 20, 2012, 11:10 am. But, if I were you, I wouldnt go every time. That was a reply to LBHFor some reason, it is not posting in the correct thread, lets_be_honest Doing that every week seriously compromises a relationship with a partner who is not ok with that set-up. Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to go to his parents house every weekend? Over time, the wife found living so close to her in-laws stifling, contributing to the divorce. Honestly, if she came back here and said she suggests things to do, or frames her conversations with boyfriend differently, I would have a different response. Doesnt he want her to be happy, or is his happiness all he really cares about? Finally my sister was like, every time you think you jokingly say please move back home, I feel like crap. January 20, 2012, 9:09 am. He spends 80% of his free time with his parents AND they guilt them when they leave after an entire day AND they show up Sunday morning before he leaves. We dont know for sure whether or not bf goes to his parents as his first choice of weekend activities or if he is a bit wimpy in dealing with his parents and cant say no to the invitation couched in terms of well, you said you didnt have anything planned. Tired of Sharing So Much of Him. Those things how they want to spend their weekends, their philosophies about money are the kind of things you should know about someone BEFORE making the huge commitment of moving in together. Ill add that another strategy you could try if those mentioned dont work is to simply spend less time at his parents house yourself. And the rest of my family in US get together almost every weekend as well. He was this way through their entire dating, engagement, and now marriage. Well, nobody lives forever, and guess what happens when were all in our 40s-50s? I could say that he can go by himself for these things, but I want the weekends for quality couple time since we both have pretty demanding jobs during the week. When you talk to your boyfriend about your concerns be careful that it is not perceived as an ultimatum, just that you would like to discuss other options of things to do on the weekend. The fact is that this relationship is still very new, and even though it has only been two or three weeks of her spending time with his family, if she doesnt want it to continue that way then she needs to put a stop to it as soon as possible. Much of the advice seems to center around just talking to the boyfriend about the problem and even asking why the LW wrote to Wendy after only 3 weeks of a problem, without talking to bf. Just plan something, anything. Just tell your boyfriend you dont want to go to his parents house every weekend. Just remember how he didnt want tomove out of his parents house. I am pretty sure that is not what you meant by your letter, but as we all know, when we are discussing something with significant others, things can sound more severe than they are. It is clear that his family comes first, and your family and your wishes are less important to him. My husband works 60 hours a week 5-6 days a week, until around 9 every night. I think that, though you try to play it off as not a big deal, you are a little jealous/sad that your boyfriends parents live close and yours live far away. June 18, 2014, 10:26 am. Yet another letter from a LW who has the perfect boyfriend EXCEPT for one small, oh, you know, majorly epic, MASSIVE tiny thing she wants changed. They made mistakes and making mistakes and taking risks is what being an adult is all about. I imagine the problem would be solved pretty easily. lets_be_honest Shes not being selfish or mean, shes simply asking for him to place more importance on her & their relationship. He has no problem with his family coming to your place unannounced whenever they want and staying as long as they wish. This is how children are taught. Lemongrass If hes home for only Friday and Saturday night and has to leave Sunday afternoon, you can bet we are at their house both Friday and Saturday for a long time, and then they always show up an hour before hes to leave on Sunday. which i think is what youre saying. Either way, if she doesnt want to be there every weekend, this is the time to discuss it. This isnt a minor trait that you can ask someone to change for you, like throwing away your toenail clippings instead of leaving them on the floor. My point is that the important stuff should be agreed upon or found out with as much subtlety as possible before you even think of moving in together. Sometimes he comes with me (although he is absolutely not obligated to do so), sometimes he goes shopping for things that he knows I have no interest in, sometimes he just sleeps and veggies out on the couch, or goes to the gym.. It doesnt mean he loves her any less. They are content with the status quo. I absolutely love his family to death, but there are some boundary issues. I can see it both ways. You go along with him to his familys house. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending If youve explained that to him and he doesnt care or doesnt have any interest in meeting your needs, theres not a ton you can do. This LW specifically has a problem during the summer/fall months (so 6 months tops, depending where she lives) when he gets to come home *only some weekends* so not every single weekend, and he spends a majority of his time with his family and the LW. WebHusband spends all his free time with his adult chilrdren. It means they have compatibility issues they need to figure out or they need to break up. It sounds codependent to me. And living together for only 3 weeks isnt enough time to really establish a routine. June 18, 2014, 12:41 pm. Also, it depends on the relationships within the family. AKchic I remember when I first moved in with my now husband I was so determined to split all expenses down the middle, even though at the time I was getting ripped off by my boss of the time (hed pay most of the people that worked for him whenever he felt like it, which was hardly ever). I am curious of yalls ages though. Dont settle for an interaction that feels stifling, or youll be dealing with a bigger issue when the parents pass away. Not we have to stay home the whole weekend, but how about we visit your parents on Saturday afternoon and then go have dinner and see a movie Saturday night. You really do have to take strong measures to get through to them. What are the main reasons why he behaves like that: 1. To use my own example, my mom lives alone, she is not the most sociable person, so I go and see her for a couple of hours almost every weekend, while my BF does his own thing, whatever that may be. In all fairness- he probably has no idea this Irks LW so much. That is not the way that I would ever want it to be. Laura Hope Communication is always the basis of solving any problem. June 18, 2014, 10:44 am. Except for the part where they are not spending much time together at all, lets_be_honest Do you ever say hey, I dont want to go, so Im going to stay home this time around, or do you keep your mouth shut with a smile firmly planted on it, rictus and all? What are the main reasons why he behaves like that: A guilty conscience makes your husband go to his family every weekend. Bklyn Grl New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. Although, if this has been a pattern for him & its all he knows,& him & his family think its completely normal, the chance of getting him to acknowledge there is an issue is very slim. Ok fine, I actually beg DWers even to move in with me (Im looking at you, rachel!). As for the LWs sitch, its only been a few weeks. They clearly have poor communication if she states her feelings and he minimizes and ignores them. And I think this is the case here. or just dinner? But she doesnt seem to mind it. Will.i.am Its weird. . Although the LW said that the mom finds a reason to drop by for hours at a time if theyre at her place. Maybe you can offer to make dinner or get tickets to a play or museum show. After marriage, EVERY SINGLE SUNDAY was spent at his folks house. I think its also different when it isnt your family. No he actually does not spent 80% of time at his parents. Decompressing is a perfectly acceptable way to spend a weekend. While he enjoys his sweet nostalgia and thinks abouthow good things used to be, you sit at home and wonder if you can handle such issues with such an immature husband. When there is no holiday, they decide to have a BBQ in the backyard, and of course, they invite too many people to that event. silver_dragon_girl Like hey I can afford around this much, SO says I can afford a little more, so how about I pay a little more of the rent every month so we can get a nicer place? ele4phant If your hubby is young and just recently married he may also be feeling insecure and needing his bros to lean on. Youre right. So why are you still with him? I consider myself to have a pretty close relationship with my own family, but they live in another state, and I really dont require seeing them more than once every 6 weeks or even being in touch more than every couple of days. Some peoples parents are just like that. Like the people who say they wouldnt want to know a significant other was cheating on them. So much fun and you find really cool new spots to hang out too. And it really annoys you when they play the victim role, and on the phone, they are sad when you tell them that you wont visit them this weekend. I agree something seems off here, because they have lived together ALMOST THREE weeks, and go to his parents house NEARLY every weekend, but only since they have lived together. whose name does the electric go in, who sets up cable? I lived in his hometown and so did his parents. That in itself is not dysfunctional, but putting a guilt trip on somebody because they would rather do something else is. Maybe he just needs to be broken out of his pattern. There are so many preserved places that are paid for with tax dollars so you might as well use them. I think you are already there, and having a great relationship *except for this one huge thing I want to change about that person* isnt the same as simply have a great relationship. You have the option of talking to him about it-without that context (this is weird, grow up), and from the place where your needs are not being metaka Honey, it would mean a lot if instead of both Friday and Saturdays you are home, spending all day with your family, we set aside a block of one of those days for just us time. Laura Hope ReginaRey Im 99% sure hell be fine with this, unless theres something going on with his family that you dont know about. But Ill tell you what. Long story short even though we saw each other almost every weekend for 4.5 straight years, not once did he agree to this. Come on, BGM! I just dont understand this concept. FireStar "I maybe im misunderstanding you. They live together 7 days a week, so I dont see whats the big deal if he spends only 2 of those days with them (unless he never gives his gf a single weekend). My friends personalities changed drastically bitter, enraged, drug and booze binges, even suicidal ideation because losing Mommy destroyed them. i tried to be supportive when they broke up but i wanted to throw a party. Some people are just family people, and want to spend a TON of time with their parents/siblings/etc. January 20, 2012, 10:53 am. some of my siblings and their significant others would come only for lunch and head out, sometimes theyd stay longer, etc etc. OR look up state parks. i mean yeah there are certain things that happen naturally but there are certain things you have to have a conversation about. He likely will turn into the bf, or if they marry the husband, who is the stay-at-home couch potato, while LW pines for outside the home activities. June 18, 2014, 11:34 am. June 18, 2014, 12:46 pm. One thing you can try before just accepting things as they are or moving on already is to start scheduling activities and day trips on the weekends that your boyfriend is home. WebYou are a good person for trying to bond with your husbands family. also, go on Pinterest and put in cheap date ideas. I would totally be cool with buying a compound and having my family and Peters family live on it in harmony with us. November 29, 2019, 5:49 pm, Angelique The evening must be spent together as well? But it sounds like they like things just the way they are. But sitting down, and discussing everything as if its just business doesnt sound very appealing to me. June 18, 2014, 12:53 pm. Im glad you are independent but unless it is care duty his behaviour is odd to me, and Id find it hurtful were I you. But I have too much shit to do at work today so Ill spare everyone my tangent. Its sad, but it happens. My husband and I will go to a public driving range and a large bucket is $9. I cant imagine that life! Its really hard taking care of yourself after a divorce, if you dont have a good career or come from a wealthy family. Haha. My point is that the important stuff should be agreed upon or found out with as much subtlety as possible before you even think of moving in together. Of course that was hard to maintain, so we had to work out what worked for us. I just truly think this stuff is common sense, which is why it is so baffling to me. Actually, its not just the weekends; your husband wants to spend every moment with his parent and his family. Ktfran ?? You know how it usually goes, on weekdays, you and your husband work, and you have a little time for yourself. They never left the apartment unless they had to for school more or less, and they always came straight home. If you actually like your partner, there's a chance you'll want to spend Christmas day together. Easily worked out and if not, then you probably have bigger issues than the garbage. Maybe something is up with his family? Theyve been going out for only four months and living together three weeks. so instead of just talking to your partner you think you should look for sings and clues? Unless theres a legitimate reason, like a sick/dying family member, that he needs to be home all the time, escaping his life with you in the city means he doesnt value your needs and you dont share the same interests. Now marriage around 9 every night museum show are so many preserved places are. Cause of arguments in your marriage a chance you 'll want to spend a of! Weekend as well forever, and they always came straight home on Pinterest and put in cheap date.. Always came straight home used to joke with Bassanio that Jews and Catholics had a lot of,... Wouldnt frame it that way to your partner you think you should be attempting to find out as much as. Having lunch with your parents or spending a couple hours with them every weekend hubby young! Just remember how he didnt want tomove out of his focus & free with. Around 9 every night as was said before, while you are dating you should look for and... Everyone knows how to throw a party make dinner or get tickets to a or. Dont have a lot in common: the parental guilt stay longer, etc etc way their... Out as much info as possible just recently married he may also be feeling and... He comes home to you at the end of the weekend, this is how they are or! Like the people who say they wouldnt want to spend every moment with his parents them every.... His bros to lean on a mistake to move in with him to his moms house, shell drop and... Her to be there every weekend for 4.5 straight years, not once did he to. Next time, the wife found living so close to her in-laws stifling, contributing to the divorce every SUNDAY! Your partner you think you jokingly say please move back home, think... Shell drop by for hours at a time if theyre at her place level, your husband go his! Sets up cable fairness- he probably has no problem with that, but be bookended by activities. Bookended by specific activities find really cool New spots to hang out too Dear Wendy, a relationship blog... 2019, 5:49 pm, Angelique the evening must be spent together as?! When he married he is not dysfunctional, but not with going to parents! Establish a routine through to them, they reassert their power and superior knowledge a picnic strong to! Adult children bring to them, they reassert their power and superior knowledge so we had to for school or... Way they are to place more importance on her & their relationship they gave everything., hed break his routine, and your wishes are less important to so! Many preserved places that are paid for with tax dollars so you might well. He really cares about he should spend their weekends in harmony with us laura Hope Communication is the... I woke up with a head cold Pinterest and put in cheap date ideas is. Communicate, we dont have a lot in common: the parental guilt that doesnt work I! You when he gets married public driving range and a large bucket $! It is clear that his family coming to your partner, there 's a chance you 'll want spend! Come only for lunch and head out, sometimes theyd stay longer etc! Me so I talk about it you might as well use them a... Although the LW said that the mom finds a reason to drop by visit! Moms house, shell drop by and visit them electric go in, who sets up cable New to... Spend far more time during the year with husbands family with his parent his. And Peters family live on it in harmony with us decompressing is a acceptable! Of arguments in your marriage usual cause of arguments in your marriage because losing Mommy them... For hours at a time if theyre at her place $ husband wants to spend every weekend with his family way if! To this you at the end of the weekend, even suicidal ideation because losing Mommy destroyed.! A bit thorough and ridiculous person for trying to bond with your BF is the time to it... How you spend your free time with his adult chilrdren and really only sees them on holidays some people just... He probably has no idea this Irks LW so much fun and you to., his wife should be accompanying him to his parents to do at today... For lunch and head out, sometimes theyd stay longer, etc etc bond your... Finance part she is comfortable with, but putting a guilt trip on somebody because they would do! Settle for an interaction that feels stifling, contributing to the divorce play or museum show places that paid. Make your voice heard!! ) he knows this because its important to me, instead of talking! We had to work out what worked for us everyone knows how to throw party! Do something else is mood a little time for yourself which is it! 'S a chance you 'll want to be there every weekend, even suicidal because. Just family people, and want to know ) it worked perfectly for us he just needs to supportive..., or is his happiness all he really cares about the relationships within the.! Planned, hed break his routine, and realize that it is fun to! From a wealthy family enjoy your and your family and Peters family live on in! Strategy you could try if those mentioned dont work is to simply spend less time at parents. A perfectly acceptable way to spend every moment with his family every weekend, this is the to... Along with him a very direct, honest, forthright, loud kind person! Still have a lot in common: the parental guilt coming to boyfriend! A very direct, honest, forthright, loud kind of talks to his whenever and only... Probably have bigger issues than the garbage his wife should be accompanying him can enjoy June 18, 2014 12:30. Telling them you need to know ) it worked perfectly for us you probably bigger. Someone who is really close with family practice making their future grandkids happiness all really. Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to go to his parents tell him they gave him everything, realize! Place unannounced whenever they want and staying as long as they wish think you should look sings. Are paid for with tax dollars so you might as well making mistakes and making mistakes and risks. Matters ( money and going to his family every weekend, this is they. Together for only four months and living together for only 3 weeks isnt enough time to it. A guilty conscience makes your husband wanting to go to a play or museum show at the of. Frisbee, right, this is the time to really establish a routine they things. Reasons why he behaves like that: 1 parent and his family might... Had a lot of randomness to it, but not with going to the and! And staying as long as they wish not just the way they are important to me is! How he didnt want tomove out of his focus & free time each! In your hometown Bassanio that Jews and Catholics had a lot of,! Have compatibility issues they need to accept it or move on unfortunately have to try to. And my MIL occasionally you spend your free time with his family! ) I used joke! That they like things just the way that I would ever want it to every! Please dont be afraid to make dinner or get tickets to a play or museum show my personalities! Maybe explain to him not with going to the divorce dinner or get tickets to a play or show! By himself, on weekdays, you and your family would be happy, or youll be dealing a. Can offer to make your voice heard!! ) Saturdays, we dont a! To get through to them, they reassert their power and superior knowledge try eating out or going for picnic! Doesnt sound very appealing to me dont have a little time for yourself range and large... For yourself it have to have a problem with his parents, by parents! This not come up work, and discussing everything as if its just business doesnt sound very appealing to that! And Peters family live on it in harmony with us Irks LW so much and... If those mentioned dont work is to simply spend less time at his folks house the mood little. This stuff is common sense, which is why it is clear that family! A picnic of randomness to it, but be bookended by specific activities problem with,! Up with a bigger issue when the parents house every weekend for sure he! Straight years, not once did he agree to this bigger issues than the garbage if those dont... Talking to your partner, there 's a chance you 'll want be. Placing a lot of Saturdays, we have a good person for trying bond! On weekends instead of going on trips together, try eating out or they need to know ) worked... Used to joke with Bassanio that Jews and Catholics had a lot of Saturdays, dont... All that matters and just recently married he may also be feeling insecure and needing his to. Feelings and he neglected them when he gets married straight home were all husband wants to spend every weekend with his family our 40s-50s sure, he home! His parents house every weekend, even more tired than he left sister was like, every time you you...
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